Yesterday was one month since my surgery. I meant to take some progress pics but it didn't happen. Mayhaps (I love saying that) it will happen today. I don't think I look any different, and maybe that's why I'm not super excited to take the pictures; I'm scared I won't see any difference. Also, I had my first gain yesterday of .4kg (just under a pound). I know it's not a lot, and Aunt Flo should be coming for a visit this week, but instantly I started telling myself how I'm already failing and this won't work and I can't do it. I've had a really bad cold this week and didn't walk Monday or Tuesday and then I made guacamole Monday night and I'm sure I've eaten way too much of it--although I used cut up veggies as dippers instead of tortilla chips.
I still just feel like such a fatass. Probably because I am. But even though I've only got one pair of pants that actually fit (as in I'm not self-conscious of how baggy they are) and my feet aren't swollen anymore and I sit more comfortably on the train and I weigh less now than I have in 3 years, I don't feel any different. It's like I'm just waiting to find out that my scale battery has been dying and I haven't actually lost that much weight, or that my doctor's scale is rigged to make the patients feel like they're actually losing weight.
I've been on a perpetual diet for what feels like my whole life. I've failed so many times at losing weight that I just can't accept that I might actually be able to do it this time. When does this change? When do I actually start believing that I am doing this and I am losing weight and it's not all some big illusion?
I'm going to go for my walk now. Hopefully that will help me feel better. I can't believe it's supposed to be 66 degrees today; last year by this time I couldn't leave without my heavy winter coat, hat, scarf, gloves. Crazy!
Oh, and because it's been a while since I posted pictures...
|My little 100ml and 200ml containers to eat from|
|My teeny-tiny spoons and forks|
|My adorable elephant lunch box|
|Dr. Kwon and I at the clinic|