Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Reflections after One Month

Hello, Blogland.

Yesterday was one month since my surgery. I meant to take some progress pics but it didn't happen. Mayhaps (I love saying that) it will happen today. I don't think I look any different, and maybe that's why I'm not super excited to take the pictures; I'm scared I won't see any difference. Also, I had my first gain yesterday of .4kg (just under a pound). I know it's not a lot, and Aunt Flo should be coming for a visit this week, but instantly I started telling myself how I'm already failing and this won't work and I can't do it. I've had a really bad cold this week and didn't walk Monday or Tuesday and then I made guacamole Monday night and I'm sure I've eaten way too much of it--although I used cut up veggies as dippers instead of tortilla chips.

I still just feel like such a fatass. Probably because I am. But even though I've only got one pair of pants that actually fit (as in I'm not self-conscious of how baggy they are) and my feet aren't swollen anymore and I sit more comfortably on the train and I weigh less now than I have in 3 years, I don't feel any different. It's like I'm just waiting to find out that my scale battery has been dying and I haven't actually lost that much weight, or that my doctor's scale is rigged to make the patients feel like they're actually losing weight.

I've been on a perpetual diet for what feels like my whole life. I've failed so many times at losing weight that I just can't accept that I might actually be able to do it this time. When does this change? When do I actually start believing that I am doing this and I am losing weight and it's not all some big illusion?

I'm going to go for my walk now. Hopefully that will help me feel better. I can't believe it's supposed to be 66 degrees today; last year by this time I couldn't leave without my heavy winter coat, hat, scarf, gloves. Crazy!

Oh, and because it's been a while since I posted pictures...
My little 100ml and 200ml containers to eat from

My teeny-tiny spoons and forks

My adorable elephant lunch box

Dr. Kwon and I at the clinic
Au revoir, mes amies.

8 comments:

Michelle said...

I think you are doing sooo awesome for just being 1 month out. Way to go and be proud of yourself....

Amanda said...

I agree with Michelle! Keep it up!!

Tell me about those cute spoons and forks? Do they work for you as far as the band goes?!?

Rachel said...

You have come so far in just one month. But I had all the same doubts you did. Its scary. I'm glad that I met people like you and others in blog land. There are many success stories out there. The tips and encouragement have really helped me so much. Just keep blogging and stay consistent. You will do fine. If you keep up with this pace you will succeed.

ducttapeweddingring said...

I don't think it's real for me yet. I shaved clean yesterday (the first time in a long time) and I found a chin. And a jaw. I look in the mirror and don't even recognize that person. It's a strange feeling.

But by the time you start ingrowing (that has to be the opposite of outgrowing, right?) clothes you bought after you started the diet, then it gets real. (at least in my opinion.)

Violinist with a Band said...

You look awesome!!! I totally understand the frustration with the scale going up and down. I get REALLY pissed at myself if it doesn't go down everyday. I look at it as a failure :( I wish being fat didn't come with so many head issues. When I am losing weight, I also question whether or not the scale is running out of batteries lol. I always gain some weight during my period too...dont worry, you are doing so awesome!!

~Lisa~ (Mrs C) said...

You're looking terrific! You're always the last person to see the difference - because we're always so critical of every little detail. Keep up the good work - it's working for you, Friend!

Something About Kellie said...

I have these exact same fears....

Your doing great :)

Oh and take those pictures - I have been told by fellow band 'oldies' that it is the one thing they regret - No great comparison pics. I have committed to taking mine every month on the same date as my surgery!

Debra said...

You are doing great. Keep a pic of pre-surgery you in your wallet to look at when you want or need to. I still cant see the difference unless I am looking at pics. It is in our heads. I know it is crazy but no matter what my clothes sizes or my scale says I still dont see it without pics.

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