Tuesday, August 23, 2011

emotional rollercoasters.

Having a baby really is a rollercoaster (just like everyone says it will be!). What a lot of women don't talk about is the rollercoaster of emotions that you're on at the same time. I love my baby. It's amazing how much love you can have for such a tiny, squirmy, parasitic creature. However, people keep asking things like "Is it wonderful??" or "How much do you love being a mommy?" and well, truth be told, I didn't know how to respond. I didn't love being a mommy for the first couple of weeks--and I felt really guilty about that. I knew I eventually would love it, but no one ever talks about how they don't love being a mom straight from the get-go. I was starting to wonder if something was wrong with me or that I'd made a terrible mistake--but how could that be? Again, I loved my child, but I just didn't love the mommy part yet. 

This week, though, I feel it changing. Karinne is 3 weeks old now, and we're getting out more and doing more and I'm more confident about breastfeeding in public (politely covered of course!) and my hormones aren't all wonky anymore AND I'm feeling loads better since the c-section; now I only feel pain if I've been walking or standing too much (that threshold is about 45 minutes). I try to get out with Karinne at least once a day, even if it's just to walk around the block. She loves being in her Ergo carrier, and both Marc and I love wearing her, so we may end up becoming mall-walkers, haha; at least until the weather cools down a bit. 

Tomorrow Karinne is going to have her newborn photos taken (she's still a newborn at 3 weeks, right?) so let's hope she cooperates and isn't cranky for them. I've decided that my darling child is not one of those easy, always happy and content babies; she is a "passionate" child, as I learned from reading The Happiest Baby on the Block. However, she seems to do pretty well out in public so maybe I'm slightly worried for no reason; we're also learning more about her every day so we can better soothe her. I feel a little more confident every day that I might actually know what I'm doing. 

In weight-related news, my weight has been fluctuating between 229 and 231, so I'm pretty okay with that. In 3 weeks I can start exercising--I can't WAIT to break out the Gazelle! I got it like a year before we went to Korea, but the weight limit on it is 250 so I couldn't really use it (how embarrassing is that??). I'm dying to wear some normal pants, but my tummy is still a bit poochy and swollen so they're a little snug in the waist. I just gotta be patient, I know!


Robyn's Nest said...

I can't wait to see the newborn pictures. I am sure she is beautiful.

~Lisa~ said...

The first two weeks are sooo hard. You're hormonal and tired and the baby is so demanding - without all the cuteness you see in the commercials.. Then, one morning, you wake up to find the beautiful little girl that is all yours smiling and developing a personality.. It will happen, just rest when you can!

Amanda said...

I can only imagine that adjusting to life with baby is like nothing else in the world! Do make yourself feel guilty because you are not alone!!

Love the new blog design and so glad you are giving us a little looksy into your new adventure!

deanna@delirious-rhapsody said...

hang in there, mama. it's gonna take about six months before you really start feeling like yourself again. and you're right about the emotions. i always felt so bad that peppy had to put up with my highs and lows.

yay for your weight loss already! and i LOVE my gazelle. i don't really use it much anymore, but i swear that's what got my back into my pre-preggo jeans after gage was born.

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