Friday, February 4, 2011

Confession time! and other things.

Marc and I were off work this week, February 3-5, for Lunar New Year (I love 3-day holidays!). We decided to go up to Seoul with some friends and hang out and shop around on Thursday and Friday. When I think about it, I actually did really well with my eating; my downfall was the candy store we went to at Lotte World Amusement Park. I didn't get much, but I ate the majority of it last night and now I just can't believe how much sugar I ate in one sitting! It kinda grosses me out to think about it now, but it's done and over with, so... moving on :)

I went shopping with my friend and I bought a couple of dresses and shirts that will work well in the summer and with a pregnant belly. One of the dresses I don't even know the size because it didn't have a tag, the shirts are European sizes and essentially mean nothing to me, but the other dress is Banana Republic, size XL! Do you know excited I was to be able to fit into a plain old XL (NOT from Old Navy!)???

Lola (my band, remember) and I have an interesting relationship. While I would like to be more diligent about exercise and eating healthy food, I think what I'm doing is working okay right now. I don't binge because I allow myself to eat what I want and I don't deprive myself (which was always my downfall in the past). I completely avoid sandwiches and anything on a bun because it's just too damn hard to deal with even when I take it apart (although yesterday at the train station I really wanted a Whopper Jr. from Burger King, but I settled for a Twister wrap from KFC). Yes, I feel a bit guilty about my candy binge from yesterday, but now that it's off my chest, I feel better and can move on.

Lola is literally my lifesaver--my biggest problem, I now realize, was definitely my portion sizes and now it's virtually impossible for me to overeat. God knows I try, I really really try to continue eating--but when the mere thought of one more bite makes me nauseous, I know it's time to put down the fork. I doubt I'll ever be a "model" bandster; I really admire those of you who are so dedicated to your exercise routines, and food journals, and are actually able to turn down the french fries. However, I also realize that everyone is on their own unique weight loss journey and we have to do what works for us. Nobody knows us better than we know ourselves, and it doesn't work to compare our habits to those of another because as long as whatever you're doing is working, does it really even matter?

I used to be so judgmental of weight loss surgery, except for people who were like 500 pounds or something. I remember one of my coworkers got lap-band during one of my weight watchers phases and I now realize that I wasn't so much judgmental as I was jealous. I hated seeing the weight just melt off of her while mine continued to pile on. Here I was, struggling so hard (although there were other emotional things going on too), and she hardly had to try--or so it seemed. Then I came to Korea and found the blog of another girl in Korea who was struggling to lose weight; then she didn't post for a while, and then one day she wrote that she decided to come clean and tell the blog world that she'd had weight loss surgery (she got the sleeve) during her absence. I can't explain why, but I just felt so lost after that, and that is when my attitude about weight-loss surgery finally started to change. Here was this girl, my age, having the same exact struggles as me, and she made a decision to change her life because it wasn't working on her own. I started researching lap-band options in Korea then, but kept it on the backburner--I wasn't ready to throw in the towel just yet.

Trying to have a baby is what ultimately forced me to make a decision. Once I learned that my weight really was hurting my ability to conceive, and the doctor refused to help me until I lost a few pounds, I had a choice--I could wait months and months and months to lose some weight on my own only to have it come back (because it would, I know myself), or I could do something radical and lose the weight forever. Of course, the joke was on me when I found out that this baby was conceived some time near my surgery, but I know that I'm much happier pregnant at 235 than I would've been at 280.

Wow, my original plan was just to write about my candy binge but I guess I had lots of other things to talk about also. Take care, y'all.

P.S. I decided it was time to change the title of my blog. I didn't want to mislead any potential visitors :)


Rachel said...

Glad you are healthy and well. I really appreciate my band's ability to prevent over eating. But because I"m older, I had to really watch my calories to make an impact with the band. I think the band really helped me to start listening and understand my body better...

~Lisa~ said...

I love that you changed the name of your blog!! It's wonderful!!

I appreciate what you wrote about the way you thought of weight loss and weight loss surgery. Several years ago, I thought the same way. But, my thinking only got me fatter...

And don't sweat the candy - yesterday is gone, tomorrow will take care of itself, we have only today - Make the BEST of it!!

Great post!

Amanda said...

I love the blog title!! Cute!
I am the same way! Although i don't know many people personally who have had weightloss surgery, but I was always just a little bit weary of it. Same as you the main reason I did this was to have a baby with out miscarriaging. Under that was if we COULDNT have a child then I wanted to be thinner. Much thinner. Yes health was a concern but it was more about a baby and vanity! I really think I will choose to eat on the healthier side of things BUT not to deny myself when I want a treat! Especially if portion control is used. I am AGAIN the has always been more about portions/binging then what I was eating! Heres to us!

Anonymous said...

If I've learned anything, it's that what works for one person might not ever work for someone else. Amazing how we can all get healthier in different ways. :-)

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