Not sure what to do.

I'm not really sure what to write about anymore. Since I'm not *actively* trying to lose weight for the time being (since I'm pregnant and all) and I've been maintaining 235 for a couple of weeks now, I guess there's just not much to talk about! So... I'll just ramble for a minute.

I've heard that usually the band tightens up during pregnancy, and most women end up needing a total unfill by the time the baby's born. So far, though, I haven't really had any problems. Any PBing episodes have been due to me forgetting to chew/take small bites etc. In fact, it almost feels looser than before! I've actually been able to eat a bowl of cereal in the mornings which is just crazy. Usually I'm lucky to get my protein shake down in the AM.

Oh, I guess there IS one piece of big news to share. For the last year or 2, Marc and I have been planning to move to Texas upon returning to the USA. Marc's parents are there, teachers get better pay there, and there are more/better job opportunities. Well, about 2 weeks ago, one of the *big* bosses from the company I worked for in Alabama (before we came to Korea) contacted me with a really great job offer. Basically, it would just be silly to turn it down. Marc and I talked about it for a day, and decided to accept. SO, 2 years of "plans" out the window just like that! It's good though. I love Birmingham, AL. It's been my home since I was 7 years old. My family is there, we have friends there, and I'm happy to go back to my old company (I'll be a supervisor, with actual underlings. This should be good.).

Just 65 days until we leave Korea, and so much to do in that time. Packing, shipping things home, finding a place to live, finding a place for the cats to live until we have a place to live, finding doctors (OB and Lapband)... for now, I'm just going to enjoy my Sunday afternoon.

Confession time! and other things.

Marc and I were off work this week, February 3-5, for Lunar New Year (I love 3-day holidays!). We decided to go up to Seoul with some friends and hang out and shop around on Thursday and Friday. When I think about it, I actually did really well with my eating; my downfall was the candy store we went to at Lotte World Amusement Park. I didn't get much, but I ate the majority of it last night and now I just can't believe how much sugar I ate in one sitting! It kinda grosses me out to think about it now, but it's done and over with, so... moving on :)

I went shopping with my friend and I bought a couple of dresses and shirts that will work well in the summer and with a pregnant belly. One of the dresses I don't even know the size because it didn't have a tag, the shirts are European sizes and essentially mean nothing to me, but the other dress is Banana Republic, size XL! Do you know excited I was to be able to fit into a plain old XL (NOT from Old Navy!)???

Lola (my band, remember) and I have an interesting relationship. While I would like to be more diligent about exercise and eating healthy food, I think what I'm doing is working okay right now. I don't binge because I allow myself to eat what I want and I don't deprive myself (which was always my downfall in the past). I completely avoid sandwiches and anything on a bun because it's just too damn hard to deal with even when I take it apart (although yesterday at the train station I really wanted a Whopper Jr. from Burger King, but I settled for a Twister wrap from KFC). Yes, I feel a bit guilty about my candy binge from yesterday, but now that it's off my chest, I feel better and can move on.

Lola is literally my lifesaver--my biggest problem, I now realize, was definitely my portion sizes and now it's virtually impossible for me to overeat. God knows I try, I really really try to continue eating--but when the mere thought of one more bite makes me nauseous, I know it's time to put down the fork. I doubt I'll ever be a "model" bandster; I really admire those of you who are so dedicated to your exercise routines, and food journals, and are actually able to turn down the french fries. However, I also realize that everyone is on their own unique weight loss journey and we have to do what works for us. Nobody knows us better than we know ourselves, and it doesn't work to compare our habits to those of another because as long as whatever you're doing is working, does it really even matter?

I used to be so judgmental of weight loss surgery, except for people who were like 500 pounds or something. I remember one of my coworkers got lap-band during one of my weight watchers phases and I now realize that I wasn't so much judgmental as I was jealous. I hated seeing the weight just melt off of her while mine continued to pile on. Here I was, struggling so hard (although there were other emotional things going on too), and she hardly had to try--or so it seemed. Then I came to Korea and found the blog of another girl in Korea who was struggling to lose weight; then she didn't post for a while, and then one day she wrote that she decided to come clean and tell the blog world that she'd had weight loss surgery (she got the sleeve) during her absence. I can't explain why, but I just felt so lost after that, and that is when my attitude about weight-loss surgery finally started to change. Here was this girl, my age, having the same exact struggles as me, and she made a decision to change her life because it wasn't working on her own. I started researching lap-band options in Korea then, but kept it on the backburner--I wasn't ready to throw in the towel just yet.

Trying to have a baby is what ultimately forced me to make a decision. Once I learned that my weight really was hurting my ability to conceive, and the doctor refused to help me until I lost a few pounds, I had a choice--I could wait months and months and months to lose some weight on my own only to have it come back (because it would, I know myself), or I could do something radical and lose the weight forever. Of course, the joke was on me when I found out that this baby was conceived some time near my surgery, but I know that I'm much happier pregnant at 235 than I would've been at 280.

Wow, my original plan was just to write about my candy binge but I guess I had lots of other things to talk about also. Take care, y'all.



P.S. I decided it was time to change the title of my blog. I didn't want to mislead any potential visitors :)

It's been a while! Quick update.

It's been a while since I posted; I just haven't been feeling any inspiration since I've been "maintaining". However, the maintenance has come to an end and today I reached my next mini-goal of 235! Now, if I can stay at this weight for the next 6 months (I can't believe there's only 6 months left until I have a BABY!) I would be perfectly happy. I've been eating better this week, and the scale showed it.

Now I'm going to start worrying about things like gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. My mom had gestational diabetes when she had me, so I'll be more surprised if I DON'T get it. As for the preeclampsia, my blood pressure's been good so far so I'm keeping my fingers crossed on that one.

Thanks everyone for all of your comments and encouraging words, and the awards (from Grace and Read)! They didn't go unnoticed and hopefully I'll have some time soon to do a proper "acceptance" post.

Is this it? Let's be real.

For the last week, the scale hasn't moved. I'm staying right around 239, and I'm afraid this might mean that my weight loss/baby weight gain has leveled off. I was hoping to lose a little bit more and fit well into my 18's, but I'm not sure it's going to happen. I'm trying not to be discouraged about it, and I really need to start exercising--it also could just be a natural weight plateau. I do think I ought to update my ticker though--I was so close to my next mini-goal of 235! Arrrrrgh. Don't worry, I'm not just going to throw in the towel. I also must admit that I haven't made the best choices this week food-wise.

I'm also 12 and half weeks along now--this first trimester has flown by! I guess I should at least be happy that I lost 10 pounds during these first weeks rather than gained, but I'm a little sad that it's probably going to be a long time until I actually look pregnant rather than just fatter. Luckily I'm tall (5'9"), so I have that going for me. The lower part of my belly does feel harder though, so I think if I could get all this flab removed I might actually look a little pregnant :)

Sigh. Just needed to get this worked out of my brain. Thanks for listening.

Thank you and my first blog award!

First, I wanted to say thank you all so much for your sweet and thoughtful comments regarding my previous post. I'm a little awkward when it comes to this type of thing, so I'm just going to leave it at that. Please know how grateful I am and how much I appreciate all of you.

Next up, I received my very first blog award from Lisa! Thank you Lisa, you are super sweet too!

 So, to accept this award I'm supposed to list 5 guilty pleasures and then pass it on to 3 more fabulous and sweet bloggers! Let's see what I can come up with for my guilty pleasures....

1. Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream: This ice cream was first introduced to me in pint form during my senior year of high school as a means of coping with my very first break-up. Nowadays it's still my absolutely favorite ice cream and pre-band I enjoyed at least one pint every week. We'll see what happens when I return to the US and I have access to it again!

2. Sex and the City: I love this show. I love the movies. I own the special edition box set of the series and I'm currently watching it again (I just started season 5). I normally watch it with #1, but as I'm in Korea I'm settling for veggies and dip.

3. Funky jewelry: In Korea I quickly learned that it would be nearly impossible for me to enjoy clothes shopping since, well, it's nearly impossible to find big girl clothes. I replaced my clothing addiction with a jewelry addiction, and I love how cheap I can buy great, funky jewelry here.

4. Chick lit: I love girly books. I love reading books for entertainment--I'm not really one that enjoys reading "intellectual" books that require lots of thinking. I especially love anything by Sophie Kinsella, Cecelia Ahern, Jodi Picoult, Anita Shreve, and Rachel Gibson. Oh, and I love the Sookie Stackhouse series.

5. Kimchi: I used to find this famous Korean dish absolutely revolting, but since I've been pregnant I actually crave it. It's spicy pickled (somewhat fermented) cabbage (although other vegetables can be used) and I much prefer "fresh" kimchi to old, fermented kimchi. It's also supposed to be ridiculously good for you, so I guess it's not the worst craving I could have!

Okay, now to pass on the award...

Rachel Thin Within

Violinist with a Band

Lapband and Beyond

Goodnight! I hope you all had a great weekend!

Not About Weight Loss

For the past three years, I’ve written a little something around this time about my mom. The days from January 19 - January 31, 2008, were days that changed me, who I am, to my very core. I wasn’t the same person after January 31, and I’m not sure that I’ll ever be who I was before then. I became more serious, less carefree, and more aware of everything bad in the world. Three years ago today, January 20, was the last time I heard my mother’s voice. She said “I love you, baby,” just before I left to go take a shower because I’d been at the hospital all night long. She was going in for emergency open-heart surgery, and I was certain that she would make it; she’d survived everything else life had thrown at her. If you watched “How I Met Your Mother” this week, then you know how important Last Words are. I’m happy these were hers.

When she died, she took a little piece of me with her. I know this because I still think about her 2,572 times every day. Now that I’m pregnant with my little sea monkey (Marc hates that name), I think about her even more. I think about the stories she told me about her mother, because even though I never knew any of my grandparents my mom always talked about them. She wanted me to know about them and keep their memory alive, and I want my children to know their Nana as well.

I often imagine what her reaction might have been like when I told her that I was pregnant. I’m sure she would have cried and kissed me about 42 times and then immediately wanted to go shopping. Oh, but she would have called all of her friends and talked to each of them for 2 hours so we’d have to wait until the next day to go shopping. My mother was most definitely my very best friend, and I’m sad that I was robbed of that friendship just as I was truly becoming an adult.

I’m sure my mom had a few faults, but honestly I can’t really remember them. She was an amazing, incredible woman who survived ridiculous car accidents, diabetes, and cancer. She was my biggest fan at every basketball game, math competition, spelling bee, choir concert, soccer game, awards ceremony, and graduation ceremony (although I think she was even more proud of me every time I broke up with a crazy boyfriend). She was positively glowing with pride and love the day Marc and I got married. I think that’s how most people remember her, as it was the last big event before The Day That Changed Our Lives Forever. I’m glad that I have only beautiful, wonderful memories of my mother. Take this how you will, but sometimes I imagine that my mom just had so much love in her heart that it simply split her heart in two.

The doctor cut my forehead during the c-section. I was a big baby.

Mom, my sister, me

College graduation day

Wedding Day

**Heart disease in women truly is the silent killer. My mom had no idea she was having a heart attack, because you only see the male symptoms in movies and on TV (clutching of the left arm or pain in the chest area). This delayed her care for nearly 2 days. In women, the signs are much more subtle; in fact, she went to one hospital and ended up leaving because they didn’t seem too worried (she waited over an hour in the waiting room). She felt nauseous and clammy, and thought she was having gas pains. Please, educate your mothers, daughters, sisters, and friends about the signs because sometimes even healthcare providers do not recognize the signs. http://www.webmd.com/heart-disease/features/her-guide-to-a-heart-attack 

Weekends are much too short

It's already Sunday and I'm already getting the "I don't wanna go to work tomorrow!"s. I'm listening to Death Cab for Cutie right now, and it's totally taking me back to my college days. I love reminiscing, the good and even the not-so-good.

Marc is still sleeping (it's 11:55!) but apparently he can't wake up unless I force him outta bed. Seriously, it's like I'm married to a teenager sometimes! He's got plans to hang out with some of his man friends today, so I'll have the place to myself for about 5-6 hours. What to do, what to do?? Maybe I'll clean up our pigsty of an apartment and then go to Starbucks for a couple hours. Not having a car means I have to make these trips to Starbucks worthwhile--no quick trips for me!

I watched 4 movies yesterday--Shutter Island, Winter's Bone, No Country for Old Men, and The Social Network. They all were really good! I've had them downloaded for a while, and I'm glad I finally watched them. I did not feel as if I simply wasted 8 hours of my day. I figure I need to enjoy these lazy days while I can because I'm pretty sure that in a few months, I will forget what it's like to have a lazy day for a loooong time.

In lapband news, I think I've discovered a pattern in my weight loss. It seems that one day I'll lose a couple of pounds then stall for 2-3 days, then drop another few pounds and stall again. This is fine by me, as the scale is most definitely moving in the right direction. I actually weigh myself in kilograms and then convert it to pounds, so for a minute I'm just going to talk in kilograms. For the last few days I've been hanging out around 108.8-109kg (239.8-240.3lbs), and then today I dropped down to 107.5 (236.9lbs). I weighed twice to double check because I basically had ice cream for dinner last night (nothing else would stay down) and I couldn't believe that after an ice cream dinner the scale gods still let me lose weight.

Well, if you made it through my rambling, then thank you for being so dedicated. Or maybe you're just having a lazy day too :)