I went to Gap and I actually bought something!

Oh man. I can't believe we're leaving Korea in 3 weeks! I'm sosososososososososo excited; I wanted to spend today cleaning stuff out, but I've had an awful headache all day so that kind of went out the window.

Yesterday I went shopping with a friend of mine who is a bad influence on my wallet, but she makes me try things on that I normally would overlook. We went into Gap--they only go up to size Large here in the women's section, but I thought what the heck, might as well see what *could* have been (meaning if I'd been able to continue really focusing on my weight loss). I assumed nothing would fit since I have this ever-growing baby bump (hill? mountain?), but alas... I WAS WRONG! I ended up buying a shirt that's just a plain old Large... it's cut big, so I think it's meant to be more loose-fitting, but that's okay! It looks good on me! And hopefully I'll still be able to wear it after the baby is born.

I haven't bought any maternity shirts yet, though I'm sure I will once I get home. I'll have to have some nice-ish clothes for work because they kind of have a dress code now--oh well, I always love a good excuse to go shopping :)

Alright, so here's a couple of photos of *the shirt*. The first is how I actually wore it (with a cardigan) and the second is sans cardigan; I desperately need to work out my arms.

Aaaaaand.... that's all, folks. Goodnight!

Pregnancy NSV and other things

Awesome thing that happened:

I was concerned that it would be a long time before anyone could really tell I was pregnant, without them having some sort of prior knowledge. My midsection has been my bane for the last 3 years and it hasn't changed much (in my eyes, at least). Last Friday I was waiting at a crosswalk and this old Korean woman came up to me and started gesturing a pregnant belly and said, "imshin?" (which is the Korean word for pregnant). She actually could tell I was pregnant, and didn't think was just another fat white girl! It was difficult to keep from kissing her.

In other news, today I reached a new low on the scale--232.1! To change the ticker or not, that is the question. I also changed my goal weight, from 155 to 160. I've been meaning to do that for a while, I just finally got around to it. It's only 5 pounds, but it feels more attainable.

I also set kind of a new mini-goal for myself, to be 199 by my birthday (September 29). I figure if I can maintain my weight like I have so far, then it should be easy peasy after I have the baby (around the beginning of August) to lose the pounds. I may have to re-evaluate later on if I gain more than 5-10 pounds in the last trimester.

Adios, y'all.

Confession time! and other things.

Marc and I were off work this week, February 3-5, for Lunar New Year (I love 3-day holidays!). We decided to go up to Seoul with some friends and hang out and shop around on Thursday and Friday. When I think about it, I actually did really well with my eating; my downfall was the candy store we went to at Lotte World Amusement Park. I didn't get much, but I ate the majority of it last night and now I just can't believe how much sugar I ate in one sitting! It kinda grosses me out to think about it now, but it's done and over with, so... moving on :)

I went shopping with my friend and I bought a couple of dresses and shirts that will work well in the summer and with a pregnant belly. One of the dresses I don't even know the size because it didn't have a tag, the shirts are European sizes and essentially mean nothing to me, but the other dress is Banana Republic, size XL! Do you know excited I was to be able to fit into a plain old XL (NOT from Old Navy!)???

Lola (my band, remember) and I have an interesting relationship. While I would like to be more diligent about exercise and eating healthy food, I think what I'm doing is working okay right now. I don't binge because I allow myself to eat what I want and I don't deprive myself (which was always my downfall in the past). I completely avoid sandwiches and anything on a bun because it's just too damn hard to deal with even when I take it apart (although yesterday at the train station I really wanted a Whopper Jr. from Burger King, but I settled for a Twister wrap from KFC). Yes, I feel a bit guilty about my candy binge from yesterday, but now that it's off my chest, I feel better and can move on.

Lola is literally my lifesaver--my biggest problem, I now realize, was definitely my portion sizes and now it's virtually impossible for me to overeat. God knows I try, I really really try to continue eating--but when the mere thought of one more bite makes me nauseous, I know it's time to put down the fork. I doubt I'll ever be a "model" bandster; I really admire those of you who are so dedicated to your exercise routines, and food journals, and are actually able to turn down the french fries. However, I also realize that everyone is on their own unique weight loss journey and we have to do what works for us. Nobody knows us better than we know ourselves, and it doesn't work to compare our habits to those of another because as long as whatever you're doing is working, does it really even matter?

I used to be so judgmental of weight loss surgery, except for people who were like 500 pounds or something. I remember one of my coworkers got lap-band during one of my weight watchers phases and I now realize that I wasn't so much judgmental as I was jealous. I hated seeing the weight just melt off of her while mine continued to pile on. Here I was, struggling so hard (although there were other emotional things going on too), and she hardly had to try--or so it seemed. Then I came to Korea and found the blog of another girl in Korea who was struggling to lose weight; then she didn't post for a while, and then one day she wrote that she decided to come clean and tell the blog world that she'd had weight loss surgery (she got the sleeve) during her absence. I can't explain why, but I just felt so lost after that, and that is when my attitude about weight-loss surgery finally started to change. Here was this girl, my age, having the same exact struggles as me, and she made a decision to change her life because it wasn't working on her own. I started researching lap-band options in Korea then, but kept it on the backburner--I wasn't ready to throw in the towel just yet.

Trying to have a baby is what ultimately forced me to make a decision. Once I learned that my weight really was hurting my ability to conceive, and the doctor refused to help me until I lost a few pounds, I had a choice--I could wait months and months and months to lose some weight on my own only to have it come back (because it would, I know myself), or I could do something radical and lose the weight forever. Of course, the joke was on me when I found out that this baby was conceived some time near my surgery, but I know that I'm much happier pregnant at 235 than I would've been at 280.

Wow, my original plan was just to write about my candy binge but I guess I had lots of other things to talk about also. Take care, y'all.



P.S. I decided it was time to change the title of my blog. I didn't want to mislead any potential visitors :)

60 pounds gone!

That's right, folks - I've officially lost 60 pounds from my highest weight ever (35 since banding). Let's see, what does 60 pounds mean to me...

• It means I'm finally wearing the smallest clothes that I brought with me to Korea, comfortably.
• It means I have to buy a new belt soon because my old one is nearly useless.
• It means I no longer feel like a fat tub o' lard walking around Korea--now I'm just fat (Koreans called my old coworker "fat", who's 6ft. tall and about 170lbs, so take it with a grain of salt). 
• It means I feel like I look pretty good with my clothes on, but underneath all the Spanx there's quite a few... jiggly bits. I'm okay with this (for now--we'll re-evaluate after I have a baby.)
• It means that my blood pressure has been completely normal the last 2 times I've gotten it checked.
• It means that I'm much more comfortable taking the KTX now. The seats are about as wide as airplane seats. I would say I'll be much more comfortable on the long flight home in April, except that I'll be nearly 6 months pregnant and I'm pretty sure it'll be one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. 
• It means that I can shop for pants again in regular Old Navy and Gap stores!
• It means that I weigh less than my dad!

I'm sure there's more, but this is what I came up with on the spur of the moment. I can't believe I'm almost in the 230's; I wonder when I'm going to "stall out" and start equalizing my weight loss with baby weight gain. I love my band. I know not everyone is this lucky, but so far I really haven't had any major plateaus. I don't keep a food journal and I don't count calories or fat or protein or anything. I just try to be  aware of what I'm putting in my mouth--I eat relatively healthy meals, so if I want to go out and splurge a bit, I don't feel bad or guilty. I <3 Lola! (Remember, Lola is my band.)

Super awesome NSV!

Okay, so I know that each and every one of you has at least one pair of pants in the back of your closet that are your "skinny pants".

In my case, I have 6 pairs of skinny pants. Levi's boot cut jeans 22W, Lane Bryant Right Fit jeans Red 4 (roughly a 20/22 I think), 3 pairs of Gap "favorite chinos" 20reg, and 1 pair of Gap "favorite chinos" 18reg.

I was already wearing the Levi's over the summer, but by fall they were pretty baggy and hideous. I fit into the Lane Bryant jeans in the fall, and have been wearing them religiously. They're getting almost unwearable, but if I wear them only the day after washing, they're fine. They're about to be retired though, as I recently bought some jeans from a Korean plus-sized store :)

In the meantime, I'd been trying on the Gap 20's maybe once a month; I can get them over my legs, but the waist was nowhere near fitting. Well, Blogland, today was a momentous day--I got my butt into those Gap 20's and they buttoned without any breath holding! Here's a little backstory about them: The last time I wore one pair was maybe fall/winter of 2007. Two of them I bought in the spring of 2008 and well... they still have the tags on them. Apparently I had high hopes for my weight loss at the time, lol.

Anyway, here I am wearing the pair that I haven't worn in 3 years!

I hope you have a fantastic day!

So close!

Alright, I finally busted through that little gain from last week and now I'm down to 247.1--so close to my next mini-goal of 246 (my weight the 2nd time I joined WW)!

I also went to Seoul last weekend the doc put back about .8cc's of my fill. So now I've got roughly 3.3cc's in my 10cc band. It still seems like such a small amount, but it works for me. I still have a huge problem with eating too fast; I get bored eating my food, and frustrated that it's cold by the time I'm finished. Any suggestions? How do you guys handle boredom while sloooooowly eating?

I think at this point I'm losing more inches than pounds. I put on some jeans a couple of months ago that I hadn't fit into in a few years. They were a little snug in the waist but good everywhere else--nothing a little Spanx couldn't help :) Anyway, as of yesterday, my husband says they're officially TOO BAGGY! I'm also going to have to buy a new belt soon because I'm on the last hole of my belt. I'm excited to be losing all these inches, but at the same time I really don't have the money to be spending on constantly buying clothes that fit--especially since we're really trying to save money now since we're going back to the USA in a few months.

Hmm, I guess that's enough rambling. Take care!

Small gain and NSV!

Saturday I went for my *slight* unfill, and the doctor ended up removing 1.5cc's! I didn't object at first, but  then I realized I only had 4cc's to begin with (after I'd already left). So now I have 2.5cc's and I'm pretty sure I could eat a hamburger if I tried. I'm not going to try to eat a hamburger, I like the fear of getting stuck and vomiting uncontrollably--it keeps me in check.

I'm going to see how it goes for the next week or 2 and I'll probably go back to get more put in. I know he just wanted me to rest after throwing up so much last week, but geeeez. I guess we'll see just how much I've learned about controlling my eating.

Here's the NSV: I bought 2 really cute pair of shoes while I was in Seoul, regular 11 and not 11 wide! The wide WOULD be a bit more comfortable because I do just have wide feet, but my feet aren't fat anymore so it was tolerable. I wore the flats all night at work yesterday and my feet were fine. Hooray!

I'm starting to notice a little pattern with my losses. I'll lose really well for a couple of weeks, then I'll go up about 2 pounds over a day or two and then it'll just drop back off again. I got to 248, and today I'm back up to 250. I'm not worried though--it'll drop back off. It's only my 2nd gain since I was banded; I won't let it get me down! I'm also pretty sure that the mashed potatoes I had for dinner last night have something to do with it ;)

P.S. For those not familiar with the lingo, NSV is "Non-Scale Victory".