emotional rollercoasters.

Having a baby really is a rollercoaster (just like everyone says it will be!). What a lot of women don't talk about is the rollercoaster of emotions that you're on at the same time. I love my baby. It's amazing how much love you can have for such a tiny, squirmy, parasitic creature. However, people keep asking things like "Is it wonderful??" or "How much do you love being a mommy?" and well, truth be told, I didn't know how to respond. I didn't love being a mommy for the first couple of weeks--and I felt really guilty about that. I knew I eventually would love it, but no one ever talks about how they don't love being a mom straight from the get-go. I was starting to wonder if something was wrong with me or that I'd made a terrible mistake--but how could that be? Again, I loved my child, but I just didn't love the mommy part yet. 

This week, though, I feel it changing. Karinne is 3 weeks old now, and we're getting out more and doing more and I'm more confident about breastfeeding in public (politely covered of course!) and my hormones aren't all wonky anymore AND I'm feeling loads better since the c-section; now I only feel pain if I've been walking or standing too much (that threshold is about 45 minutes). I try to get out with Karinne at least once a day, even if it's just to walk around the block. She loves being in her Ergo carrier, and both Marc and I love wearing her, so we may end up becoming mall-walkers, haha; at least until the weather cools down a bit. 

Tomorrow Karinne is going to have her newborn photos taken (she's still a newborn at 3 weeks, right?) so let's hope she cooperates and isn't cranky for them. I've decided that my darling child is not one of those easy, always happy and content babies; she is a "passionate" child, as I learned from reading The Happiest Baby on the Block. However, she seems to do pretty well out in public so maybe I'm slightly worried for no reason; we're also learning more about her every day so we can better soothe her. I feel a little more confident every day that I might actually know what I'm doing. 

In weight-related news, my weight has been fluctuating between 229 and 231, so I'm pretty okay with that. In 3 weeks I can start exercising--I can't WAIT to break out the Gazelle! I got it like a year before we went to Korea, but the weight limit on it is 250 so I couldn't really use it (how embarrassing is that??). I'm dying to wear some normal pants, but my tummy is still a bit poochy and swollen so they're a little snug in the waist. I just gotta be patient, I know!

Pregnancy NSV and other things

Awesome thing that happened:

I was concerned that it would be a long time before anyone could really tell I was pregnant, without them having some sort of prior knowledge. My midsection has been my bane for the last 3 years and it hasn't changed much (in my eyes, at least). Last Friday I was waiting at a crosswalk and this old Korean woman came up to me and started gesturing a pregnant belly and said, "imshin?" (which is the Korean word for pregnant). She actually could tell I was pregnant, and didn't think was just another fat white girl! It was difficult to keep from kissing her.

In other news, today I reached a new low on the scale--232.1! To change the ticker or not, that is the question. I also changed my goal weight, from 155 to 160. I've been meaning to do that for a while, I just finally got around to it. It's only 5 pounds, but it feels more attainable.

I also set kind of a new mini-goal for myself, to be 199 by my birthday (September 29). I figure if I can maintain my weight like I have so far, then it should be easy peasy after I have the baby (around the beginning of August) to lose the pounds. I may have to re-evaluate later on if I gain more than 5-10 pounds in the last trimester.

Adios, y'all.

Confession time! and other things.

Marc and I were off work this week, February 3-5, for Lunar New Year (I love 3-day holidays!). We decided to go up to Seoul with some friends and hang out and shop around on Thursday and Friday. When I think about it, I actually did really well with my eating; my downfall was the candy store we went to at Lotte World Amusement Park. I didn't get much, but I ate the majority of it last night and now I just can't believe how much sugar I ate in one sitting! It kinda grosses me out to think about it now, but it's done and over with, so... moving on :)

I went shopping with my friend and I bought a couple of dresses and shirts that will work well in the summer and with a pregnant belly. One of the dresses I don't even know the size because it didn't have a tag, the shirts are European sizes and essentially mean nothing to me, but the other dress is Banana Republic, size XL! Do you know excited I was to be able to fit into a plain old XL (NOT from Old Navy!)???

Lola (my band, remember) and I have an interesting relationship. While I would like to be more diligent about exercise and eating healthy food, I think what I'm doing is working okay right now. I don't binge because I allow myself to eat what I want and I don't deprive myself (which was always my downfall in the past). I completely avoid sandwiches and anything on a bun because it's just too damn hard to deal with even when I take it apart (although yesterday at the train station I really wanted a Whopper Jr. from Burger King, but I settled for a Twister wrap from KFC). Yes, I feel a bit guilty about my candy binge from yesterday, but now that it's off my chest, I feel better and can move on.

Lola is literally my lifesaver--my biggest problem, I now realize, was definitely my portion sizes and now it's virtually impossible for me to overeat. God knows I try, I really really try to continue eating--but when the mere thought of one more bite makes me nauseous, I know it's time to put down the fork. I doubt I'll ever be a "model" bandster; I really admire those of you who are so dedicated to your exercise routines, and food journals, and are actually able to turn down the french fries. However, I also realize that everyone is on their own unique weight loss journey and we have to do what works for us. Nobody knows us better than we know ourselves, and it doesn't work to compare our habits to those of another because as long as whatever you're doing is working, does it really even matter?

I used to be so judgmental of weight loss surgery, except for people who were like 500 pounds or something. I remember one of my coworkers got lap-band during one of my weight watchers phases and I now realize that I wasn't so much judgmental as I was jealous. I hated seeing the weight just melt off of her while mine continued to pile on. Here I was, struggling so hard (although there were other emotional things going on too), and she hardly had to try--or so it seemed. Then I came to Korea and found the blog of another girl in Korea who was struggling to lose weight; then she didn't post for a while, and then one day she wrote that she decided to come clean and tell the blog world that she'd had weight loss surgery (she got the sleeve) during her absence. I can't explain why, but I just felt so lost after that, and that is when my attitude about weight-loss surgery finally started to change. Here was this girl, my age, having the same exact struggles as me, and she made a decision to change her life because it wasn't working on her own. I started researching lap-band options in Korea then, but kept it on the backburner--I wasn't ready to throw in the towel just yet.

Trying to have a baby is what ultimately forced me to make a decision. Once I learned that my weight really was hurting my ability to conceive, and the doctor refused to help me until I lost a few pounds, I had a choice--I could wait months and months and months to lose some weight on my own only to have it come back (because it would, I know myself), or I could do something radical and lose the weight forever. Of course, the joke was on me when I found out that this baby was conceived some time near my surgery, but I know that I'm much happier pregnant at 235 than I would've been at 280.

Wow, my original plan was just to write about my candy binge but I guess I had lots of other things to talk about also. Take care, y'all.



P.S. I decided it was time to change the title of my blog. I didn't want to mislead any potential visitors :)

It's been a while! Quick update.

It's been a while since I posted; I just haven't been feeling any inspiration since I've been "maintaining". However, the maintenance has come to an end and today I reached my next mini-goal of 235! Now, if I can stay at this weight for the next 6 months (I can't believe there's only 6 months left until I have a BABY!) I would be perfectly happy. I've been eating better this week, and the scale showed it.

Now I'm going to start worrying about things like gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. My mom had gestational diabetes when she had me, so I'll be more surprised if I DON'T get it. As for the preeclampsia, my blood pressure's been good so far so I'm keeping my fingers crossed on that one.

Thanks everyone for all of your comments and encouraging words, and the awards (from Grace and Read)! They didn't go unnoticed and hopefully I'll have some time soon to do a proper "acceptance" post.

Is this it? Let's be real.

For the last week, the scale hasn't moved. I'm staying right around 239, and I'm afraid this might mean that my weight loss/baby weight gain has leveled off. I was hoping to lose a little bit more and fit well into my 18's, but I'm not sure it's going to happen. I'm trying not to be discouraged about it, and I really need to start exercising--it also could just be a natural weight plateau. I do think I ought to update my ticker though--I was so close to my next mini-goal of 235! Arrrrrgh. Don't worry, I'm not just going to throw in the towel. I also must admit that I haven't made the best choices this week food-wise.

I'm also 12 and half weeks along now--this first trimester has flown by! I guess I should at least be happy that I lost 10 pounds during these first weeks rather than gained, but I'm a little sad that it's probably going to be a long time until I actually look pregnant rather than just fatter. Luckily I'm tall (5'9"), so I have that going for me. The lower part of my belly does feel harder though, so I think if I could get all this flab removed I might actually look a little pregnant :)

Sigh. Just needed to get this worked out of my brain. Thanks for listening.

Weekends are much too short

It's already Sunday and I'm already getting the "I don't wanna go to work tomorrow!"s. I'm listening to Death Cab for Cutie right now, and it's totally taking me back to my college days. I love reminiscing, the good and even the not-so-good.

Marc is still sleeping (it's 11:55!) but apparently he can't wake up unless I force him outta bed. Seriously, it's like I'm married to a teenager sometimes! He's got plans to hang out with some of his man friends today, so I'll have the place to myself for about 5-6 hours. What to do, what to do?? Maybe I'll clean up our pigsty of an apartment and then go to Starbucks for a couple hours. Not having a car means I have to make these trips to Starbucks worthwhile--no quick trips for me!

I watched 4 movies yesterday--Shutter Island, Winter's Bone, No Country for Old Men, and The Social Network. They all were really good! I've had them downloaded for a while, and I'm glad I finally watched them. I did not feel as if I simply wasted 8 hours of my day. I figure I need to enjoy these lazy days while I can because I'm pretty sure that in a few months, I will forget what it's like to have a lazy day for a loooong time.

In lapband news, I think I've discovered a pattern in my weight loss. It seems that one day I'll lose a couple of pounds then stall for 2-3 days, then drop another few pounds and stall again. This is fine by me, as the scale is most definitely moving in the right direction. I actually weigh myself in kilograms and then convert it to pounds, so for a minute I'm just going to talk in kilograms. For the last few days I've been hanging out around 108.8-109kg (239.8-240.3lbs), and then today I dropped down to 107.5 (236.9lbs). I weighed twice to double check because I basically had ice cream for dinner last night (nothing else would stay down) and I couldn't believe that after an ice cream dinner the scale gods still let me lose weight.

Well, if you made it through my rambling, then thank you for being so dedicated. Or maybe you're just having a lazy day too :)

60 pounds gone!

That's right, folks - I've officially lost 60 pounds from my highest weight ever (35 since banding). Let's see, what does 60 pounds mean to me...

• It means I'm finally wearing the smallest clothes that I brought with me to Korea, comfortably.
• It means I have to buy a new belt soon because my old one is nearly useless.
• It means I no longer feel like a fat tub o' lard walking around Korea--now I'm just fat (Koreans called my old coworker "fat", who's 6ft. tall and about 170lbs, so take it with a grain of salt). 
• It means I feel like I look pretty good with my clothes on, but underneath all the Spanx there's quite a few... jiggly bits. I'm okay with this (for now--we'll re-evaluate after I have a baby.)
• It means that my blood pressure has been completely normal the last 2 times I've gotten it checked.
• It means that I'm much more comfortable taking the KTX now. The seats are about as wide as airplane seats. I would say I'll be much more comfortable on the long flight home in April, except that I'll be nearly 6 months pregnant and I'm pretty sure it'll be one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. 
• It means that I can shop for pants again in regular Old Navy and Gap stores!
• It means that I weigh less than my dad!

I'm sure there's more, but this is what I came up with on the spur of the moment. I can't believe I'm almost in the 230's; I wonder when I'm going to "stall out" and start equalizing my weight loss with baby weight gain. I love my band. I know not everyone is this lucky, but so far I really haven't had any major plateaus. I don't keep a food journal and I don't count calories or fat or protein or anything. I just try to be  aware of what I'm putting in my mouth--I eat relatively healthy meals, so if I want to go out and splurge a bit, I don't feel bad or guilty. I <3 Lola! (Remember, Lola is my band.)

The difference a year makes

I was just looking back through my blog (since I kinda went public about my surgery today) and realized that it's been a year since I started it. I remember being so fed up with my weight last year, I decided to join Weight Watchers Online and I would make it work in Korea, one way or another. Yeah, that lasted about a week, although I was in denial for a few months and didn't cancel my membership until May or June probably.

My weight loss has been slow, but steady. I'm okay with that, as long as the scale is moving in the right direction. I also have to keep reminding myself that I'm pregnant, and maintenance at this point really is okay. I've also resolved to join the gym tomorrow that's $160 for 3 months. I told Marc to make sure I do it (despite the freezing cold 10-minute walk to get there) and you guys, please comment asking me if I did it! I haven't exercised in about a month... I had a bad cold one week, and that was it.

The scale told me 243.1 today--is it wrong that I already feel skinny? I guess it's just been so long since I've seen these kinds of numbers, my mind is playing tricks on me. I have to keep reminding myself that to other people, I'm still just fat. *sigh*

I'm happy with the way this blog turned out. I'm happy that instead of dying after 3 entries last January, I found a reason to pick it back up in September. I'm also happy that I found the bandster blog world because, honestly, this would be a heck of a lot harder without all of you!

Life... as I know it

Thank you for all the sweet comments regarding my last post's announcement. You guys are awesome!

I think I decided on a name for my band. Lola. You know, like the Lola song from the Kinks? Love that one. I hope it's not anyone else's band's name, I'll be sad. It just came to me as I started typing this post.

Ohhhh dear. I haven't been the best bandster lately, at all. I keep eating too dang fast, especially if we go out to eat. I do okay when I'm at home though. I guess this means I shouldn't eat out too much, huh? It's like, I still WANT to be able to eat my face off, but I can't. Thank goodness Lola keeps me in check and has me on auto-upchuck every time I start to overdo it. Whenever I throw up now, Marc asks me whether it's morning sickness or band sickness.

I've also been eating more ice cream and drinking delicious mochas and I ate way too many Christmas treats. I finally dumped the rest of the treats at work--I had to get them out of here!  I haven't really had any cravings, at least I don't think I have. Okay, except maybe ice cream. There's a Baskin Robbins right next to my work and I've never wanted it. However, one day when I was feeling particularly nauseous I saw it in a whole new light. (Seriously, it's like heaven opened and angels were singing.) Since then, I've had it several more times on my way to work! Ack.

I weighed in at 244.9 this morning--almost to the 230's! I bet if I actually ate like I was supposed to be eating, I'd lose faster. However, being pregnant and all, I'm not supposed to be thinking about weight loss. Yeah, that's like telling an alcoholic not to think about their next drink. I can't just turn off my obsession with the scale. Eventually, whenever I should actually gain weight with this pregnancy, I hope I maintain.

Alright, I'm out.

Uh oh, it's been too long...

Wow, I haven't been around the blogs in 5 days! Last Saturday I got another fill and met another (foreign) bandster. Of course I've been pretty tight--really only getting down liquids. Yesterday I finally managed to eat something a little more solid. I'll see how the rest of this week goes and I may go on Saturday and ask them to take a little out. They're really aggressive here about the fills!

The good news is that today, I'm only 1 pound away from my next mini-goal of 248! And I'm 50 pounds down from my highest weight ever! I've never consistently lost this much weight before. It's really crazy.

As for why I haven't been around blogland, well, some things have been going on that I'm not quite ready to share yet. Give me some time, it may come out eventually.

Until next time...

It's the little things

I managed to drink some hot tea and it stayed down, and I couldn't feel it going down. Wahooo!

Also, today I weigh 257.5--another Wahooo! Almost 20 pounds in 3 weeks, 5 of which came off in the last 2 days (hopefully those won't be making a reappearance). 

My band is always tight in the mornings, but I'm pretty sure I should still be able to drink my breakfast pain-free. Even if I'm able to eat/drink dinner tonight, I'm still going tomorrow to get some more saline taken out. I was in pain all morning! 

I finally caught up on reading 2 days' worth of blogs--you people write a lot! :) I didn't comment though, sorry. I may go back later and leave a few... we'll see.

And the angels rejoiced...

Because Christina's scale finally moved!

It moved down a whole pound! Unfortunately, it doesn't really feel like it since I weigh myself in kilograms and the number on the scale only moved from 119.6kg to 119.1kg and visually my eyes do not register that as very much. Thank goodness for my handy-dandy weight converter on my MacBook!

I have to keep reminding myself that I probably will still be a slow loser due to the PCOS. However slowly I lose the weight, it's still faster than I was going before. I don't track my food (yet); I think I'm going to start though. What do you recommend, especially for a n00b like me?

I have to tell you about this conversation with one my middle school classes yesterday. It's my last class of the night, so it's from 9:05 - 10pm, and there are 7 boys, 3 girls. The only rule I have for them is to only speak English. They can talk and have fun and do whatever, so long as it's in English. I gave the class a fancy box of pepero (that another student had given me) and as they were eating, a couple of the boys whispered something to each other and started laughing uncontrollably. *Almost all of them use English nicknames*

Me: Aw, what's the joke? We want to know the joke!
Vincent: Teacher, there's no joke.
Ji Won: Really teacher, it's nothing.
Me: I think you're lying. Are you lying? You know you shouldn't lie.
*They look at each other conspiringly*
Vincent: Okay Teacher. No Jaeshi ["Jaeshi" is basically detention]?
Me: Uh oh. Does the joke talk about teacher being fat?
Ji Won, Vincent, Hyun: Teacher NO! Really!
Me: Is it about bad words?
Vincent: No, Teacher.
Me: Okay. No Jaeshi.
Vincent: Okay. When Ji Won was eating the pepero, he was... um... eating... something else. (His eyes got really big, and nodded his head, like he was willing me to understand.

And the whole class proceeds to burst into hysterical laughter. Because a lot of times they seem younger than they are, I forget sometimes that they're 13 and 14-year-old boys. I just shook my head; although I'm still wondering if they were referring to poop or penises (kids here are obsessed with their poop. They especially love drawing it on their papers.). The pepero I gave them was bigger than average, and I can see how they'd think it looked like a turd. There's still a lot of stigma attached to being gay (like it may as well be illegal), so I'm leaning toward the poop theory.

Enjoy your Saturday!